i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize