I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
