walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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