Someone shit on the floor
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
