you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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