No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize