a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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