Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
