I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
