The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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