i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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