my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
