No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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