she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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