my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
