I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
