she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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