I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
