Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
