drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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