I smell stomach acid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
