Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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