everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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