WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
