Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
