thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
