I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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