I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
