I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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