a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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