The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he fucked my hip out of place.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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