There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I enjoy the company of your penis
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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