You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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