Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize