Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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