In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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