so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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