how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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