I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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