matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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