Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
