the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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