Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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