My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
