i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
People in love make me want to vomit
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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