it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
