Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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