yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
