How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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