I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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