my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
