my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
