Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im six kinds of drunk right now
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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