i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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