she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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