I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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