why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
