I love black thongs
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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